“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
You Might Also Like
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.