Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
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“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
No way!
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”