No way!
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people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.