[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
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Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
never deleting this app.
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
Stop being racist to kettles.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*