If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
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If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
Happy thanksgiving!