Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
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Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.