Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
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Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.