for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
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Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
NOT all policemen are strippers.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.