My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
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*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
How all things should be taught/explained.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
accurate
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
I want to meet the individual who made this
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.