Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
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My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
forgive me baja for i have blast
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist