Bros before Ohioes
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One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.