Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
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Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning