I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
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*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)