What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
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People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*