My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
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Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now