“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
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me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
I am all good here, 😂😉
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.