When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
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how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.