Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
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*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting