If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
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Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
lot going on here, legally speaking.
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.