Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
You Might Also Like
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.