Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
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Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
Finally! 😈
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.