[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
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Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.