Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
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flash mobs for serving divorce papers
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
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“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors