The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.

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My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.


My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful


If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.


Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection


[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT


Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter


Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.