The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
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My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
Doggies just call it style.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.