@ArtIsMyPorn

The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.

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@Fulkery1

There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.

@iwearaonesie

“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir

@bingowings14

My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.

@IHideFromMyKids

My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful

@

If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.

@envydatropic

Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection

@dafloydsta

[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT

@ADHDeanASL

Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter

@jctwritesstuff

Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.