Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
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“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
Happy weekend !
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.