“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
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At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious