So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
You Might Also Like
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready