@ThePopTartJesus
@GreenishDuck Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
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@GreenishDuck 
@GrowlyGrego Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
@PJTLynch Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
@ReelQuinn I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
@comer310 Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
@uccjeb Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
@whatsJo me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
@marcmack My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
@thejamietighe Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
@Cpin42 Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.