Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
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Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”