@ThePopTartJesus

Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.

You Might Also Like

@GreenishDuck

Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.

@GrowlyGrego

Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?

@PJTLynch

Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.

@ReelQuinn

I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.

@comer310

Kid: Are you the babysitter?

Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!

Kid: *horrified*

@uccjeb

Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.

@whatsJo

me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up

god: still me you didn’t click over

@marcmack

My son called me ‘Marc’

I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”

He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”

@thejamietighe

Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?

Neighbour: Get out of my house!

Me: You’re not even guessing.

@Cpin42

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.