Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
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I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.