Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
You Might Also Like
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
Get in loser we’re going crying
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
Me buying fruit and veg
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.