Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
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Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.