Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.

Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.

Barnabas had a lazy eye.

The other, however, was a real go-getter.

Me: What’s with the look?

Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?

Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?

Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider

I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share

What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?

*walks up with my full head of mongooses*

Medusa: Let’s rock.

no!! no!!!!!!

Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no

I missed my calling in advertising.

“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”

Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…

Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.

My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house

I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.

Husband: I love everything about you.

Me: Even my toe hair?

H: What toe hair?

Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.

I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.

hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.

ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for

MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life

ME: Oh you will son, trust me

{20 years later…}

MY GRANDSON: Dad?

MY SON: Yes?

MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?

Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?

– everyone

wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?

A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.

One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.

Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes

mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son

it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that

Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.

I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN

The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.