A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
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Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
Today’s Times
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg