@jordan_stratton My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
@Mobute A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
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@jordan_stratton 
@AweShadySome My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
@Darlainky Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
@newstart43 I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
@truegritrumble ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
@RickAaron Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
@Playing_Dad Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
@HeatherQ_ebooks a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
@HomeWithPeanut I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
@BunAndLeggings My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.