She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
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THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
The sacred texts.