Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
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Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
wishing you and yours all the best
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.