9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
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[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
All is fair in drunk and war.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
True
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”