Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
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ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
not just anyone can be cremated. you have to urn it
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
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Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
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things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves