Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
You Might Also Like
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
Happy thanksgiving
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
Selfie
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.