When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.

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[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there


Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced


So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child


singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*

me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!

friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!


My wife: am I beautiful?

Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat


Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.

Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.


I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle


i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time


If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.