When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
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My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?