My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
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It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 馃幎…
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. 鉂わ笍鉂わ笍馃ズ馃ズ馃拫馃拫馃槝馃槝
constantly working on myself.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.