I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
You Might Also Like
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
BETRAYAL
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.