just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
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[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.