The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
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Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
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I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
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Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?