Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
You Might Also Like
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too