No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
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Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
emergency phone
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
I only eat vegetarians.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen