clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note

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Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”

Ian: “What makes you say that?”

Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”


[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?

“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”

But…I’m Swedish!

“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”


I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now


The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.


[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up


Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.


I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar


[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.


Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale

Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus


*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*