@causticbob

clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note

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@stephenjmolloy

Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”

Ian: “What makes you say that?”

Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”

@TheToddWilliams

[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?

“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”

But…I’m Swedish!

“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”

@ThisLocalHater

I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now

@_kayditty

The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.

@tastefactory

[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.

@VeryFineHat

I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar

@mostly_cheese

[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.

@AlexBlechman

Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale

Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus

@LoveNLunchmeat

*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*