Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
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Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
#DesignFail
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
i think we should see other cousins
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
The Joker was right
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”