[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
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My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?