PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
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[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
Is this you?
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
wtf is a larm clock?
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
Denise please return my vape pen
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.