PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
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My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is down.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?
13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.
Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.
13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla