Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
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If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]