I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
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Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe