I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
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My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
love it when they get my name right
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*