I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
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I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
Growing out my freckles.
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
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I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.