My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
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Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
ugh not again
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan