ugh not again
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Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
every. time.
They’re stuck in your pants?
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
road rage
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
doing some research
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask